LOOKING FOR HIM IN THE VALLEY

He spoke clearly and quietly, but then he always had done. Professional and controlled I suppose you would call it. So this was it, as he lent forward, the stillness of it all made it even more clear that this was not to be a casual conversation. So, it didn't take any amount of understanding, to know that when we where ushered into that small study, out of the ear shot of others. It would be bad news, how bad we where just about to find out. We had come to realise that good news was shared in the hospital corridor, but not this time, this time it was "we need to talk". I held Mary's hand; she griped mine, and her eyes like mine where filled with the signs of tears. How many of those we had shed or held back in the last few days I gave no thought to. We just sat there, listening and struggling. With thoughts that ought not to fill the mind. "Who will be at the funeral and what songs will we sing."? I had to make myself listen so that when he gave me the opportunity to ask questions and I new that he would, I might seem reasonable, when really I felt far from it. My eyes stung, as emotion and love and thoughts came crashing in. "How is God going to use this one.” Perhaps it was the doctor’s openness and sincerity that made the next few moments so special. I took a breath and said, "Thanks for all you have done for Philip. I know that you have done all you can and I don't what you to feel any of our grief as you and your staff have gone out of your way to make this time as easy as possible for us." I knew that this was not the first time he had shared bad news and with that thought in my mind I did not want him to bare a load that would just add to all the rest. I then said “I release you from all of this". I prayed that God would honour him and look after his family and use him in his work" Shook his hand and left the room for Philip once again.So that was it, little hope of Philip ever coming through and the distinct possibility that before the weekend, this now being Wednesday he would no longer be with us. The conclusions we were left in no doubt with as the doctor had done his work well and painted as black a picture as he could. Telling us clearly that his brain would build up pressure to the point he would be considered brain dead. Caused, ultimately, through pressure which would increase within the brain cavity. Then it would shoot down his spine. If he did survive, the herpes virus had caused so much inflammation to the brain. The scans showing that parts of Philips brain had been damaged and some was even now considered dead. Sedation was also a major area of concern, for Philip was not just sedated, but was receiving over a five day period what is normally used for a general anaesthetic. So that he was not able to return to us from such deep sedation. If he did, he would not be the son we had known for the past 23 years. Because of the major impact to the frontal lobe of his brain had received his memory would be affected and he might not even know us and lack immediate recall. This would mean he would not be able to look after himself or even be self aware. So that was it. I new they always painted as black a picture as they could, so that what ever you where left with, in their terms you would be thankful. But to us this was it, the end. Or was it.